Rediscovering Eden
Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the bright and morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours
Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
I am Yours
dailies
Sunday, January 01, 2006
bye bye 2005, here I come 2006
-4:55 AM
Oh man, cant believe it, I am approaching my 20th year of living though I just passed my 19th birthday. Dunno if that is good or bad. Anyway, I am going to write something now on my blog on the last day of 2005 otherwise I probably wont get a chance anymore. *warning its very long..but its a year wad..consider short liao..*
Well, this year has probably be THE year of my life. Many ups and downs like rollar coaster but nonetheless will be a year I will remember and hold dear for a long long long time. After A levels in 2004, I played a lot and suddenly thought"hey I should start working juz to kill time". Earning money wasn tt great an aim but since everyone was going for 6bucks perhr, i thought i had better too. Maybe next time I wanna try waitressing, think tt would be fun too! Anyway, went to work as receptionist in various companies eg SamsungAsia, Unilever. Then the longer temporary term came-at HSBC. Went there first to settle the i-cheques problem (companies that closed down had given out i-cheques b4 they closed down). THat was such a whirlwind coz there were like millions and i am not exaggerating. There were only like xinyi and i. Huimin came later. Between the three of us, there were certain..er..animosity after a while cause of the rush we were always in and because of different working habits which I will not go into here. After that, Jensen got me over to his side of the company to help. That was where I saw the reality of life man. How people can really talk behind other ppl's backs, how staff can openly show their disregard for one another. THe former really disgusts me coz it makes me wonder whether I have to be on guard with regards to whatever that goes on behind my back. Disgusts me a lot coz the 'victim' was a very good friend i made there and the person with whom I was disgusted with was my mentor. Therefore, I didn really like working there. In any case, the big boss Jensen liked me working there so I wasn a victim of circumstances. I had to go for wisdom tooth operation and medical attachments in between but I thank God that my job was still secured unlike others who never go a chance back no matter how i asked Jensen. I must say, I was quite troublesome with my other commitments then. Working really made me realise how difficult money came by and for a while, I controlled my spending, dunno if i was a scrooge not...hah
Then, the next blow came, my failure to get into NUS medical school. My world literally collapsed. My future looked bleaked cause i didn know what else i could do. No one could really understand how i felt. I kept asking God why, why, why. No one seemed to answer me, not even my parents. Then came an email from Sharon. I thank her for being able to rebuke in love, something not many people are capable of. Like me, she has had her failures which I am also not gonna write here, but she has grown to realise that perhaps, God was showing her how much she had depended on herself rather than on Him. Drawing the same parallel, she told me that maybe I had depended too much on myself, my linguistic abilities and my grades, rather than on Him. Upon reflection, I realised how true that was. No doubt, I had prayed to God to let me get into Medicine but the attitude towards prayer was different from when I was praying for straight 4 As for A levels. When praying for A levels, the attitude was a humbling one but not when i was doing it for Medicine. Rather, i was praying for the sake of doing so. It hit me like a ton of bricks.
So, for the next few days, I just looked and ponder over my other options-NTU(biomedical sci/tcm) and NUS(bioengin). Both were very good with limited intakes. For the former, I had issues with regards to tcm, whether it was against Christianity. I had told God before not to ever let me have to make this decision, but it still came nonetheless. I am not blaming God coz it turned out to be something good, something nv expected. In the end, I picked NTU probably because of the prestige the course withheld. Its double degree with the second degree from uni of beijing. While thinking about my future in the course, a thought of doing missions in China suddenly flashed across my mind. My reaction was like"ok, not bad, we'll see." I said all these because I dunno where in the world to begin missions in China. My church doesn have a branch there. I just din noe where to begin. Then, when school began, I went with Jing to take a look at the CCA booths. Campus Crusade, The Tabernacle and Christian Fellowship were all consecutively next to each other. So, for the first two, people came and talked to us. For the third, we were super wary of them liao. THen, Jing's fren from chinese CF called her and they talked. I stood alone and mayb i looked bored or wad, Vincent from eng CF came to talk to me. He said that he saw jing and i since we were at campus crusade's booth but since tabernacle also called us, he thought he wld jus leave us alone. But since I was alone aft jing's fren got her, he came to talk to me. He said that i am probably the last person he is going to talk to liao coz dey wanna pack up le.Talked for a while when suddenly, he mentioned about missions. My thoughts mths ago came back and though the numerous barriers of objections flooded my mind, i said yes before i knew it. So funny how God works. If Vincent hadn come or if jing's fren hadn called her, I prolly wun ever be in the missions team now. He got me to go for the cf gathering which actually clashed wif my jap class. Through many troublesome thingies, i made it jus to eat(ha) at the gathering, got the missions form and went home.
I am really lazy and really procrastinated about the form for a while. One of the reasons was that i didn noe how to fill up the form. So many questions, have to write one testimony also, have to get senior reference, had to get church reference and finally interview b4 they select you. The only thing that hindered me was the part where i had to ans on my own coz vincent had alreadi volunteered to b my reference. I really struggled. Daddy opposed me, obviously mummy also. I was worried and so were my parents worried for my grades. I was worried coz i couldn commit so much to church. So, everything came at one go and i din noe who to talk to . Talked to my church teacher who also spoke to my dad but the thing is, and my dad noes, no one will value me as much as my own parents. THus, its easy for for church ppl to say to let me go but not so much for my parents. Felt very dejected and so i called vincent. Talked a lot, he prayed for me and we jus waited lor for the interview results. And i got it. Man! i tot if din get den nvm liao but i got it. Saw vincent the next day at cf gathering but i din wanna say anithing wif so mani ppl there so discussed stuff over the phone den decided that i will jus try it out. (now tt i tink back, dunno if he alreadi knew i got selected..ha)
I prayed to God to bring me thru it if that was the way He wanted me to go. Top of the list was my parents. That one very hard and i told God i had no idea how to convince my dad to let me go coz he was prayin tt i wun get selected actually. He was adamant about the whole issue(if you all noe parents, you noe wad i mean). THe next thing was, my grades had to not drop otherwise there is no way i can get pass my parents. Over the months, I really liked the missions thingy though the group was not as gummy as now. Daddy gradually let me go for the sessions which really ate up a lot of time, not in the bad sense la. Before that, i was secretive abt where i was gg but he knew. Sharks!haha.
Now that the missions simulation camp is over, half the journey thru the 10 mths commitment is done. Grades have been released and my parents and i are pretty satisfied. My dad, i tink he has seen my transformation coz even i felt myself changing as i underwent the missions thing. I think he knows God wants it this way coz before the camp, i suddenly felt apprehensive for no reason and nightmares came to haunt me like on consecutive nights. It was abt the future with spacey thingies and lions roaming the streets and that because of me and my inability to protect, I lost my siblings. My dream even had the fake Philippines preacher in it. The first nite was ok, i jus prayed and sleep trembling. The second nite i could not take it, I cried literally. The first time in 19 years i had dreams tt made me cry and tremble. I looked for mi dad, took me a while to decide if i sld wake him up over such minor thing but i did aniway. He listened to both dreams and prayed. He said that its probably the Devil who gave me nightmares coz i was doing the missions thing. Renounced whatever bad spirits that were in the house tt gave me those nightmares. (can ask me abt the nightmares, find them harmless now, certain parts r hilarious)
Went for camp and had great time physically, mentally and spirtually. Maybe because the camp is tailoured to this age group with a particular aim in mind. My parents are now more receptive towards my missions training and i tink that my dad has silently allowed me to go(my country is China), not too sure about tt coz its for 28daes. Thank God that at least mi dad listens to my rattling about the camp and he discusses with me Bible knowledge coz actually He knows a lot but din wanna help me coz he din wan me to in it in the first place.
Now that the year is coming to a closure and new resolutions are made( i dun make them coz i noe i have probs keeping them), i guess there will b new things to come but nonetheless, the bonds i have made in 2005 i know will lead me a long way, the ups and downs in 2005 i noe are there to mould me to become a better person(however you wanna interpret tt ..haha). I now really understand the meaning of getting out of my comfort zone, the meaning of life, and wad i wanna for the future. Thank God for it all!
